Cold Feathers
by Rosabell
Summary: A very strange kind of S S, although not very apparent at first. Syaoran was killed a day after his direct family was, and he stayed as an angel to fight the enemies beside Sakura, one last time.
1. Prologue

Cold Feathers

Prologue

It wasn't how you might think it was. I wasn't depressed. I certainly was not angry. Sure, Eriol might seem like a threat and I daresay I didn't trust him back then. It wasn't because of Touya or Kero either. I could live with their distrust. 

Live. What irony. I barely remember what life is like now, death so peaceful and calm. I am not afraid and never will be, but when I was alive, I remember a fear so deep it felt like I was choking through the days.

It started sometime while Eriol was here. He did not give his magic to Fujitaka yet. That was when I got the fateful phone call from one of my cousins-not Meiling, but a boy named Anshi.

He told me through the phone that my mother and sisters were dead. Killed by five demonlike sorcerors.

I hung up on him in stupor. Then I realized that I was all alone. Perhaps that was true, perhaps not, but I was extremely affected by it.

I remember it was late at night. Anshi was in haste so he woke me up. I was not able to go back to sleep. I was so scared. I felt so lonely. I suddenly realized how vulnerable I was, how weak and frail. So I went out to clear my mind. Out into that cold night. I actually felt the cold. And I shivered, feeling colder within. That was when I met Yue.

He was cold. You know that. A poor excuse for a guardian. What kind of guardian would he be if he cannot understand human emotions? Especially mine, my heart shattered and broken, my mind a swirl of confusion.

" What are you doing out here?" He asked.

I knew it wasn't out of his affection for me. Despite being Clow's descendant he couldn't care less about me. It was purely curiosity. Or maybe, perhaps it was the only thing he could think of to say.

Strange. I was a proud person, yet I longed for his sympathy. I wanted to tell him what had befallen me, but you know Yue. Strong and indifferent. Cold and unapproachable. So I stood there, a young child, hurt and lost, mute and silent.

Strange for a cold person. He grew impatient, and his cold gray eyes looked into mine, searching, then he turned away, not willing to wait any longer.

I wasn't willing to wait either. I, one who never smiled, who never cracked under any pressure, broke down crying. Yue must have been surprised, and I'm sure you are too. Li Syaoran of the Li Clan, crying like a baby. Indeed, I felt like a baby more than I ever had. I cried for two hours straight, my tears speaking words for me.

Perhaps Yue couldn't stand me like that. Perhaps he was. Somehow I think he was frightened and confused. He was kind enough to take me home with him and dry my eyes.

Kindness. Who ever expected that from the moon guardian.

He must have been very frightened. He asked me over and over again what was wrong, and he was so nervous he didn't even think to let Yukito handle it. But Yukito wouldn't have handle it. Neither could Eriol, or Kaho, or Touya, or even Sakura and Tomoyo. So in vain he tried to comfort me. It was then when I saw the worry in his eyes and I was apt to laugh had it not been for my broken heart. Yue, worried about me of all people. He had enough things to worry about.

By the time I stopped crying I stared at him and my throat was hoarse. I could not speak anymore and I was exhausted.

Exhausted. How did it feel like? I forgot already. Perhaps I will never remember.

But I knew I was exhausted, and Yue understood. Imagine him, understanding. Who could ever imagine that? But Yue was understanding. He rocked me like a baby that I was. He stayed with me for the rest of the night.

I remember his hands were cold. Cold hands, and when he realized that he was afraid to touch me. I felt cold enough already so I didn't care.

Coldness.

The next morning I went to school in a kind of dumb stupor and it seemed everyone noticed, even the teacher. I did not speak to them though. The sensei almost wanted me to go home, but I never gave him a chance to voice his thoughts.

During lunch I saw it. A vision of my fate while my life lasted. I knew it wouldn't last long. Then I began to get scared. I was afraid. So I ran to the fence. Yukito and Touya were there waiting for me.

If Touya glared at me, I knew not. I never even looked at him. I grabbed Yukito's hand and opened and closed my mouth like a goldfish, first beginning, then deciding against it, then fear took over and I tried begging, over, and over, and-

" They're coming for me."

I could manage no more. Yukito looked at me confused and I imagine Touya did the same. I stared at those gray eyes and I realized that Yukito will always remain confused. Just like everyone.

I was alone.

So I let go of his hand. I took several steps back, then turned around and ran. Perhaps Yukito would have come after me. Perhaps Touya, who was after all human, would do the same.

' Saved by the bell'.

  
  
Perhaps I was not saved. You would probably say so too. That bell was the cause of my doom. If Yukito had ran after me, I would probably be alive right now. But then, life has its burdens. Death has its advantages. It's not pitch black and horrible like many may think.

I came home. I knew what I was coming to. I was coming to my end. And there they were, five black shadows. They were not just sorcerors. They were demons. And they tore at my flesh and clawed out my eyes until I lay there bleeding. I did not fight them. I did not even feel the pain. I only felt anguish and terror. I saw them. I heard their laughter and sneers. I saw my blood flowing.

I saw them begin to blur. Dark patches blocked my eyes. Tiny bits of red splattered in my vision.

At that moment I saw my future flash before my eyes. How things could have been. And there I died, utterly wretched, helpless and alone.

Loneliness. That was how my life ended. So lonely. So alone. 


	2. Chapter 1

Cold Feathers

Chapter 1

School was a breeze afterwards. The living were so predictable. The homeworks were so easy.

" You look a lot paler today, Syaoran-kun. Daijoubu?" Sakura asked.

That was the hard part, you can imagine. Even as an angel I could not hide everything. I shrugged at her.  
" It's nothing." I answered.

A long time after school ended and I made my way to my apartment. It was hard to clean up the blood and the body, and certainly all the damage caused by the demons. I managed though. Death has its advantages. It's hard to get tired when you're dead.

On my way I met Sakura's mother, Nadeshiko. She smiled at me in a sad way. I smiled back at her.  
" Still here?" I asked. " You don't trust me?"  
" Oh, it's not that I don't trust you, Syaoran-kun." She answered. " I merely wish to protect my daughter and son from other...troubles, I suppose."  
" You know I can handle this one, right?" I smirked.   
" Of course. You're the only one." She smiled. " But I'm worried about you."  
" Don't be." I answered. " I can handle this."  
" Are you sure?" She asked.

I smiled at her again. " Positive."  
" Just remember one thing," This time she was very serious. " You're not alone."  
" Of course." I answered.

Nadeshiko nodded and disappeared. I entered the building and went up the stairs, not wanting to take the elevator. I opened the door.

Things were like always, everything was in order. I locked the door behind me and threw my bookbag over the couch. I finished my homework already. I don't need to practice martial arts anymore. Quite frankly, I don't need to eat either. Which meant I had nothing to do.

I was content with that. Death helps with it. Having nothing to do is kind of like yoga. Only you don't have to do stretches. I sat cross-legged on the bed and closed my eyes. I didn't need to sleep; I already was. But clearing my mind of all thoughts I was able to pass the time.

After doing that for around two hours, it was five thirty. I was able to think clearly once more and proceeded a plan. I knew the demons will attack Touya at around eight while he's getting home from Yukito's, and I had to find a way to disguise myself as a living human.

I decided to settle Touya's first, since his was more immediate. So I glanced at the clock again. Five thirty-two. Perhaps at around seven forty-five I'll make a start of a drizzle. I'll hurry it up to a thunderstorm in no time. Touya won't be able to go home then. He'll stay at Yukito's.

I still have around two hours. Now my problem.

No tanning lotion here. I didn't feel like going out and buying one. But then do I have a choice? 

So I moved my legs and got off the bed. I went out and bought a lotion. When I came back it was almost six.

Around two hours, still. Not much time really passed. I sat down and decided to try the lotion on. Hopefully it wouldn't streak or give me an orange color. Then they'll get suspicious.

  
  
When I made the rain I already put on the lotion and I didn't look orange or streaky, thankfully. I looked rather natural, courtesy to the company that made the tanning lotion. Now I can go out without people thinking I'm an albino who dyed my hair brown and wore contacts.

I stretched. My wings came out. I suddenly noted that I won't be able to fly tonight in the rain. Groaning, I folded them.

Suddenly, the phone rang.

" Moshi moshi?"  
" Syaoran-kun, do you sense it?"

I was apt to laugh. It was Sakura, of course, and she had sensed _my_ rain and was asking if I sensed it. Of course I repressed the urg.

" Ano...iie," I answered. " What do you mean?"  
" There's something about the rain."

I knew this was bad. I knew this was really bad. What could I say?  
" Oh, you mean the rain. I guess it's one of Eriol's old tricks again." I answered. " He's-"

I was about to say that we had a bet that if Eriol made a rain that will trap Touya at Yukito's, well...I didn't think about the reward yet because Sakura interrupted.

" Eriol called too. He was very curious."

I sighed. I guess it was back to old times.

" I'll meet you outside."

  
  
The situation was, more or less, ridiculous, because there I was, in my robes, holding a sword that will soon rust in the rain, checking out what _I _created.

_Perfect._ I thought to myself. _Not only do I have to stand here in the rain, I'm a perfect target for demons. Well...not me, but Sakura and the others._

I was right. Sakura and Eriol appeared in the rain. Touya was safe with Yukito. We were not.

I was not too worried though. I could handle the demons. They did not expect me to be so powerful that I would arrive back as an angel. So while Sakura and Eriol were busy being puzzled, I was thinking about some other things.

  
  
There were reasons why mortals invented the haunted house. It does exist. But it wasn't because ghosts actually were evil and want to kill people. It was more of because they want to have fun. And it is fun watching people scream.

So while their backs were turned, I made a disappearing act. Not to scare them, not to test them, like Eriol does to us, but simply because I didn't feel like telling them where I'm off to or what happened to me. Let them figure it out.

I decided to go off to check on the demons. I knew they might have their eye on Sakura, now that she was out in the open. I decided not to let my presence be known, so I covered my aura. 

The rain that I created, apparently gave them a hard time. I was mighty pleased with this. It wasn't that they couldn't find Sakura-that was easy enough. It was that they couldn't catch her, and they knew it. Just like me. But I was the one who created the rain. I repressed the laughter and turned around.

Wait.

There's one demon that was alone. It was a rather powerful one, not as powerful as I am, but more powerful than Sakura or Eriol. If he somehow catches them alone, well, they're done for.

I drew my sword and with one stroke killed him. No blood. He was just a soul. And that soul shriveled and faded away.

One demon down. But this one was new. Which meant...

What?

Leaving their sanctuary, I escaped to my apartment. Father was waiting there.

" Syaoran, are you alright?" He asked.  
" Hi Dad." I smiled. " What are you doing here?"  
" Wondering what you're doing here." He answered. " Don't you want to come home?"  
" I still have work to do."  
" You know you lost her. She'll never be yours."  
" I don't want her. Sure, I love her, but I know. I just want her to enjoy life a little longer."  
" Do you want me to stay?" Father asked. " It's been such a long time."

I looked into my father's eyes. The one person who understood me. I went over and sighed.  
" I probably would, but," I searched for understanding. " Just a little longer. I can handle this. Then we'll spend eternity together."

Father nodded at me silently and knelt down. He wrapped his arms around me. I rested against him. He promised of safety.   
" Call me when you need me, my child." He said softly.

I nodded against his shoulder. " Yes Daddy."

  
  
" Where in the world _were_ you?" Sakura cried. " I was worried sick about you!"

She was, I could tell, and that was the sweet thing about her. She worries about others before she worries about herself. She'll bring doom on herself this way, but Nadeshiko will be there to help her and her brother. I'll just handle this. This last adventure. This last battle. Perhaps I'll hold her staff with her as she summoned the cards for the last time. And then when it's all over, I'll leave, never to return. Should I bid her farewell? Should I leave without saying goodbye?

" Are you alright?" She finally asked. Her worried eyes bore down on my own. I met them steadily.  
" Hai, I'm alright." I answered. " What do you mean?"

" Hoe?" Sakura blinked after a moment. " Don't you remember last night, and the rain?"  
" Iie." I pretended to be confused. " What are you talking about?"

Sakura looked at Eriol. They were so puzzled.

  
  
It was late that night. Outside the night was fresh and cool. I decided to stretch my wings a bit and catch some air.

As I was flying I met Rachel, another powerful sorceress who was sadly killed and transformed into an angel. Angels like us don't just become angels for nothing. People don't just die and become angels. There are selections. I'm not even sure how they're selected; I just know that Eriol will not be an angel and I'm not too sure about Sakura.

Rachel was doing the same thing; catching some air. We hovered in front of the moon to greet each other.

" Syaoran!" She looked dismayed. " What happened?"  
" I got killed. What do you think?" I laughed. She looked unhappy.  
" You're too young." She scolded.   
" Well, you were young, too. Thirty two, perhaps?"  
" But you're only ten."  
" It's alright." I answered. " Life would have been tough anyway, without support."

Rachel hesitated. " Then why are you still here? Don't tell me you're going to...the demons!"

I smiled. She sighed.

" Syaoran, dear child!" She rolled her eyes. " You'll work yourself to shreds. Why not go with the others and have some peace?"  
" What are you still doing here?"  
" Looking after Clow Reed."  
" Well, I'm looking after my love, like you." I answered. " The difference, of course, is that I'm only needed for the demons. Don't worry, I won't be long."  
" Well, since Sakura and Eriol are together, we can find a chance to work together." She smiled and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. " You're only a child. You need someone to take care of you."  
" Really!" I laughed. " Come along, before someone down there sees the ' man on the moon'. Where are you dwelling right now?"  
" Oh, I'm just wandering. You still have that apartment, right?"  
" Of course. Come along. I need something to do. We can fly in through the window; no one will notice us if we're invisible."

  
  
" Moshi moshi?" The day was a Saturday. The phone rang and Rachel was the one that picked it up. She told me it was a very confused Eriol.

I sighed. I was putting on the tanning lotion so I could go to the library. I don't have any pigment in my skin at all, just like I don't have cells anymore, so the lotion wears off quickly.

Half golden, half white, I went to pick up the phone.

" Syaoran, who's at your house?" Sakura asked.

I thought quickly. " A friend of mine. She just came from...Russia." I winked at Rachel, who grimaced.  
" Oh." Sakura took it. I smiled. That way, Sakura wouldn't ask Eriol if he knew anyone like Rachel, since she's ' from Russia'. Good plan.  
" Are you going to the library?" She asked. " Eriol's going there too, along with Tomoyo. Oni-chan will be there though...but this is an emergency."

I wasn't that concerned with Touya. If he still treats me like a bastard after that day before I died I'll call him evil. I was more concerned with this so called ' emergency'. There was no immediate danger for miles around, so what could Sakura be talking about?

" Hai, I'll be there. Just let me...get ready." I hung up and started wiping the lotion on my arms.

  
  
I love the library. I love it even more when I go there alone and there is no one there that I know. Because if there is someone there, I'll be expected to chat with them, and the library simply isn't the place for that. I'm the type of person that likes quiet and peacefulness. I guess that remained even in death.

However, when I went to the library this time, it wasn't for the sake of quietly reading a book. It _was_ an emergency, to Sakura, anyway. She said she felt it. She felt a dark magic.

" So black it chokes the life out of light."

I wanted to laugh at her. I wanted to tell her that it already choked the life out of light. Sure, you may not think that I'm exactly a ' light' kind of person. But then, why am I an angel and not a demon?

" It's black." I answered her. " So black, it would choke the life out of light simply with its darkness. But where do you think it is?"  
" Somewhere far...from Tomoeda." She looked at me, confused. Did I say something confusing? Somehow she was confused. The living are such simpletons.  
" Somewhere to the south." Eriol agreed.

I paused. They _were_ pointing to the demons. The problem was, the demons had increased. I knew this because of the one I had killed. They were gathering more demons.

Well, why?

" Well?" Kero hissed. " Aren't you going to say anything, gaki?"

Odd, I found, that the stuffed animal seemed to have forgotten my name. Perhaps I did feel a little pain then. It hurt. To be so insulted even in death. Perhaps if he had found my body, Kero would have spat on my grave and the stone that bears my name-

" There is some to the west." I answered. " South and west. If we don't guard the other two, we'll be surrounded."

That was what I thought. It was probably what the demons had planned. But as I said before, they never expected me to be here. That can change a lot of things.

" How do you know?" Touya asked. " Wait a minute."

I knew it. Touya was smarter than most people. He had this ability to think logically. And quite frankly, something _isn't_ logical here.

" Remember a few days ago during lunch?"

It was only a few days? I thought it was a long time. Death could do that.  
" You ran to Yukito..."  
" Hai, and he started saying that someone was coming for him..." Yukito looked at Touya.

I got myself into quite a mess, I realized. I do not want them to know I am a ghost.  
" Nani?" Sakura blinked.

I remained silent for a minute as Touya explained to her what happened.  
" Syao-chan, do you know something we don't?" Eriol asked sternly. I met his eyes steadily and I think it frightened him, seeing a boy like me, so arrogant, meeting his eyes in a fearless, confident, almost amused manner.

_ Now you know how I felt when we speak to each other._ I thought to myself. _You thought yourself so wise. You thought me so weak and thickheaded. You never realized I was alone, poor excuse of a reincarnation. You never realized I was lonely. This was all a game to you. Should I play the game too? Should I make my own game, so that you too, are like puppets, moving at my command, breaking at my will?_

" Well, it would be odd if I did, wouldn't it?" I answered. " I'm only a lost kid who has a little magic and makes a big show of it. What would I know? You're the reincarnation of Clow Reed."

Clow Reed didn't know everything either. He didn't know that Rachel was in love with him and was going to tell him before she was killed. He didn't think to take care of his descendants after he sealed the magic. Poor Clow Reed, one who lived purely for his craft so that he has no heart left to give to others. Even that magician had his flaws.

" Clow Reed never encountered something like this." Eriol answered. " He never encountered pure evil."  
" What makes you think I ever did?"

If he thought that, however it made him, he was on the right track. I didn't encounter it long enough to break down. I was spared. One day, my family was gone, and I lived that sorrow for about twenty hours before it all ended for me.

" I don't know." Eriol answered. " I didn't. I'm just saying, I have a feeling that you know something. And you're not acting like yourself, Syaoran."  
" Hai," Tomoyo agreed. " You're acting like Eriol."

I snorted and started laughing. This must have surprised them all, and for a moment I wondered why they were surprised. Isn't it natural that I should laugh at something funny? I'm only ten years old. Then I remembered I wasn't the type to laugh at all. I remembered that I was lonely and I couldn't find the humor in anything anymore.

Loneliness. Amazing how death cures that.

" How very kind of you, Mistress Daidouji," I snickered. " I act like Eriol? Well, wouldn't it be proper that a descendant acts like his ancestor? Proof through blood."   
Eriol looked at me, bewildered. " Syaoran, something here isn't right."  
" Nani? You mean about me, or about this emergency?" I asked. Then I smiled. " Alright. I'll relieve you of this torment. I do know something. In fact, I know everything. I know just how to deal with it, and you needn't worry. Then I'm going back. I don't need to waste my time, not that I don't have time to waste."  
" What do you mean?" Sakura paled. " Back where?"  
" Where do you think?" I answered. " Perhaps back to my apartment. Maybe back to China. Or maybe back to Hong Kong, or maybe even more specifically, back to the Li Mansion. Or perhaps there is something far broader that even you don't understand. Oops! I have to run. I'll see you guys around, for now."

  
  
It's funny when people are confused. Which was why, perhaps, Eriol often confused everyone around him.

_I'll have to hand it to you, Eriol. I know now why you play the game. I'm almost tempted to keep playing it myself. But I'm not cruel. I will not threaten your dignity. Nor will I threaten anyone else's. My task here is to destroy the largest threat you'll ever encounter. Perhaps I'll sit back and make sure that you will not be killed. Perhaps I'll just relieve you of this battle completely. But I will not taunt you any longer. Because you see, unlike most people, I understand. _


	3. Chapter 2

Cold Feathers

Chapter 2

There is nothing better than a Sunday morning that's fresh and warm. Of course, for some people, if you had to get cooped up in a church, that's probably not the best thing. But if church occurs a little later, and you have the morning to do what you want like the wild fleet-footed Artemis, it was perfectly pleasant. And it gets even better, if you have wings like Cupid. Ah, Greek Mythology!  
  
That Sunday morning I went out and flew to the mountains when the leaves were still covered with dew. The air was fresh and cool in the mountains, untainted by the smoke of the cities. 

_Pity,_ I thought to myself, _that the mortals should demolish the paradise around them, and yet call on Paradise after death._

" Well, if it isn't the child of the blessed!"

I turned around. It was Tsu Yen, one of the angels of the Heavenly Council. What was he doing here?

" I've been hearing a lot about you." Tsu Yen began, folding his golden wings. " They were talking about you all over Heaven. All wanted to meet you. You're denying them that."  
" I am not." I felt upset. " I simply have work to do."  
" What work?" Tsu Yen asked. " Do you mean the girl? Why?"  
" I don't think she'll be able to handle it with the cards alone." I answered. " They're far greater than that."

Tsu Yen looked unhappy.

" You're still restless." He said. " You, a child."

I remained silent.

" Will this make you feel at peace?" He asked. " Will it?"  
" Yes." I answered.

Tsu Yen sighed. " Call for us when you need us, alright?" He said gently. " Remember, you're not alone."

I nodded quietly. He smiled.

" Well, I ought to be getting back now. Take care of yourself."  
" I will."

Turning around, I watched several monkeys bathe in a small pool. It's funny, how human they look, like one of those bathing areas in China where people gather since they don't have showers in their own homes. I turned around.

Six forty five. I ought to be getting back, like Tsu Yen. If I don't get back sooner, perhaps people will see me. I don't like going around invisible. It makes me feel so...shapeless.

Rachel was gone when I got back. I didn't care too much about that. Angels come and go where they please. However, I did care for the reason. The body, which I had hidden in the closet, was beginning to decay, and the stench in the room was evidence of it.

Burning the flopping body wouldn't do me any good. There will be too much smoke, and the houses were the only ones with a fireplace. For a long time I stood there, staring at the lifeless body where I once dwelled in. The blood had stopped flowing, but now there was some plasma and cytoplasm from the decaying cells. The body was beginning to get old. The eyes were sinking in and the body was pure white.

It _stank._

It was in pieces anyway. I moved the limbs to a jar and closed it tightly so the stink wouldn't come out. It helped somewhat, and after clearing the room of the stench, I sat on the bed again.

I decided to practice some martial arts. Not to practice, just to pass the time. Kung fu was easy now. The sword was light. I thought to myself to get a heavier sword. And a larger one, perhaps, when I get taller.

Swing around I carelessly struck at the glass on a frame. It cracked, and the photo was ruined. I looked at the photo. It was Sakura. And me, of course, because if it had been Sakura alone, I would be much more vexed. The sword point had struck my forehead. Sakura was smiling and I was not, naturally, and we were both eating ice cream.

That was probably one of Tomoyo's pictures. I mused. Funny how much symbolism is in there. I lost Sakura. Or perhaps, it was the other way around. We can never be together again. Tomoyo will never take pictures of us together again. I wonder how she will feel. Perhaps she wouldn't feel too much. Her love was all for Sakura. I just happened to be there. But then, Tomoyo had supported our relationship and tried to strengthen it, build it. Would she miss taking my pictures? Would she feel queer, taking pictures of Sakura all alone? Without someone beside her? Would Tomoyo miss me? If she had known this would happen, would she take more pictures of me and Sakura, instead of just Sakura?

Quite odd, I mused. Tomoyo's love of photography. She has a precious gift. She could preserve memories. Perhaps several years later, she'll show Sakura and point to that very picture and say, " Remember Syaoran?" And Sakura will say, " Hai, I remember. I wonder what happened to him." Or maybe she'll turn away, tears trickling down her cheeks, remembering that final farewell. And Tomoyo will smile, saying, " Look, I preserved the past. Now you two will always be together."

I tore that picture in half and threw away the frame. It wasn't because I was sorrowful. It wasn't because I was angry. I just saw no point in keeping that picture any more. It's ruined. What's passed has passed, and there's no use in reliving it over again. The frame was broken and useless. I cannot keep it.

  
  
Touya had this keen ability to see ghosts, and apparently it came back even after he gave his magic to Yukito. Either that, or he just personally thought my tanning lotion was fairly obvious, because his stare lasted quite a long time.

Personally I don't remember how we got into that situation, but in any case, Sakura and the others were off somewhere, and Touya and I were alone.

Which wouldn't have been a great idea, if Touya still bore ill will against me and if I was still angry at him. Now that I look at him, I realized that he was someone to be pitied.

Poor wretched Touya. Who watched his mother die in the hospital and the machine screech as she flatlined. He was only my age when he lost his mother. Did he feel scared? Perhaps he did. And he turned around and saw the three year old Sakura crying for her mommy. Did he want to cry for his mother too? But he was ten years old. He needed to stay strong. As he wandered about lost, he thought to himself, _Sakura's the only thing left of Mother. She has Oka-san's lovely eyes. She has Oka-san's lovely smile. Perhaps she'll be a model, just like Oka-san. Perhaps she'll marry to someone like Otou-san and I'll bicker with that man just like Auntie bickered with Daddy. I'll fight for Sakura. I'll fight for imotou-san. _And then, seven years later, he turned around and found me, the old gaki of the Li Clan, and knew for certain that I was the one he'll be bickering with. And so he bickered, just as his aunt did with Fujitaka. He fought me for Sakura. After all, I'm not worthy of her. No one is worthy of Sakura.

What would he think now? I wonder. What is he thinking as he was staring at me? Would he cry out in horror to find that I was dead all along? Would he sigh in relief when he understood that I was not the one he would be bickering with, but someone far kinder? Perhaps he would stare at me, open mouthed, pointing to my feathered wings, and ask, " Where, what? What are you?" And what should I say? A ghost? An angel?

Would he wish that I was the one he would be bickering with? Would he regret pushing me away? After all, as an angel, I'm more than worthy of Sakura. Sakura wasn't even worthy of me anymore, theoretically. Would Touya be satisfied? Would he mourn? Would he sorrow at my death?

" What the heck did you put on, sunblock?" He asked. I rolled my eyes.   
" Do you have a problem with that?" I asked. " There's this news about the ozone layer."  
  
Touya stared at me. " What the heck happened to you?" He asked.  
" Oh, a lot of things happened to me." I answered. " Just as they do everyone. People crush their nails, break their kneecaps, get born, get sick, get a papercut, all that. They fall down the stairs, trip over a crack on the sidewalk, scrape their knee at the first bicycle ride. A lot of things happened to me."  
" I don't mean that." Touya snapped. " I mean _you_. For some reason..." He didn't finish.

I sighed. Touya could be exceedingly annoying when it comes to keeping secrets. I decided not to answer.

Very soon Yukito and Eriol made their way back with Kero and Spinel.  
" Well?" Touya asked.

Eriol slammed the books down on the table. He sighed.

" That was heavy." He looked up at me. " There they are. Everything we could find, and hopefully need."

I looked through the books. I doubted it was everything we needed. 

_For some reason the mortals seem uncomfortable these days._ I thought to myself.

I stopped.

' The five demons of Casocuff are half mortals.' the page wrote. ' They kill by tearing the limbs and flesh off and petrifying whole mortals with their presence.'

I rolled my eyes. This stuff is useless. I wondered how I got myself into this.  
" Children of heaven and hell, they hold the powers of both angels and demons." Eriol read out loud. " We're in for it."  
" They're not too smart though." I found myself saying. " With all that power."

There was a brief silence.  
" Are you sure, Syaoran?" Eriol asked.

For some reason I found this very annoying.  
" Why? Why is it that people trust whatever you say, and whenever I say something people are always doubting?"  
" That's not what I meant."

Of course that was not what he meant. I pretended to never hear that.  
" They're brainless. We shouldn't use might to conquer them. Use cunning. Like Odysseus."  
" But how?" Eriol asked.

They didn't know they have a secret weapon. And I did not intend to tell them directly.  
" I think you guys have something very useful." I smiled, surprising them yet again. " Not even you know about it."

The others stared at me. I leaned back. They probably never knew of my worth, I realized. Especially Eriol, who's main concern was with Sakura. He probably didn't know that Sakura was the weakest of all magicians, thanks to Clow Reed. He probably never knew who I was, because I'm not even sure about the extent of my own magic in my lifetime.

" What do you know, kid?" Kero asked.

He was starting to get nervous, I realized. Perhaps it was because I'm acting more and more like...perhaps Eriol.

Did Kero ever suspect of my powers? Was he really that dense? Not that I cared. I was simply curious. I didn't care if Kero wronged me or not. Kero was a simple guardian, just like Nakuru and Spinel. Perhaps none of them ever expected me to be how I was.

" Let's just say, I did a little research." I smirked.

Apparently, none of them liked that smirk. Especially Eriol.

  
  
The next day during school my thoughts kept on wandering to Sakura. I thought about how we first met. I was in the front of the room and she was staring at me with this fear in her eyes.

Fear. What did it feel like?

And I watched her as she kept staring at me, staring at me with those dizzy green eyes. And I noticed that they were so green, so green that it seemed they were made of that color alone and nothing else, or that they were that color and not just eyes.

The first time she battled a card was not that impressive. But then she grew better at it and I was needed less and less. Sakura was smart. Sakura was intelligent.

Now that I look at her my heart ached with longing. It hurts, you know, to love something you cannot have. I know I will never have her heart. After this last battle, I'll leave, and Sakura will find a new boyfriend. Perhaps she will marry that boyfriend. They will have three children, identical triplets. They will come across hardships at first, for those babies will be born prematurely. They might be girls, might be boys. They will have their father's will and their mother's eyes. And perhaps, their mother's magic as well. And when Sakura dies, perhaps the Clow Book will be divided among them. No, not the Clow Book. The Sakura Book now.

But for the rest of her life Sakura will no longer think of me. Think of the shadow that stood beside her till the end where all the cards were captured and the tests finished. She will give no thought to the boy cut up in pieces by demons that the spirit came to destroy for her, to spare her the same fate. No, she will not think of that. At night her dreams will be of tomorrows, and in the morning she'll wake up to a bright morning, another morning of building up her life. And when she dies, when she dies she'll probably be an angel, just like me. But if she does she will come and greet me as a friend would, never as a lover.

Sakura was intelligent. She learns things quickly and can understand things quickly. But it will be hard for her to love. She had so much love in her heart and used it all on her friends. She has no ability to devote her love to a single man.

Perhaps it is well that I died.

" Li Syaoran."

I opened my eyes. The class was watching me.

" Are you alright?" The sensei asked. I realized that I had put my head in my arms and might have given them an impression that I was sleeping.

Nodding slowly, I answered. " Hai."

Terada looked doubtful, and why not? But he was doubtful and that was it. Sakura looked at me, worried. I looked at myself. The lotion had wore off. Maybe I should not try to put it on again. So what if people think I'm an albino.

  
  
The demons. They're waiting.

They're attacking tonight.

They've summoned thunder, Sakura. Can you handle it? There is no rain. No raindrops. You stand there with Eriol and Tomoyo there. Yue was right beside you and he kept on looking at me, wondering what was wrong with me. 

There's nothing wrong with me, Yue. What's wrong with being dead?

You shoot the first arrow. It was accurate, for it struck the first demon. That demon fell, but got up again. Sakura shot the next. Hers also struck on target, but your magic isn't enough to stop them.

Eriol, what will you do for your heir?

Kero, what will you do for your mistress?

I stay in the back. I want to watch. To know if I'm needed or not, and when. The demons do not know who I am. They do not recognize me. They think I'm my cousin.

" Syaoran-kun!" Sakura shouted. " We need your help!"

Thunder and lightning. But no rain.

" Syaoran!" Eriol cried.

I drew a bow. I fitted the arrow. I shot into the sky, a warning shot.

The demons screeched. They know that arrow. They'll recognize it anywhere. The arrow of heaven. An Angel is here! A Seraph! A powerful blessed Immortal! The sorcerors are protected! They will be destroyed!

Screeching, they retreated. The group remained there, stunned. How did I do that? They wonder. I could not laugh at them. How were they supposed to know my powers when I have so changed? How were they supposed to know the fear the demons have of Seraphs?

But nevertheless, I was not pleased. You all stood there gaping at me as if you never expected me to be capable of that. I was not powerful before, but did you really think I was useless? 

Perhaps it was well that I died.

Can you believe it, Eriol? Your kawaii little descendant is leaving you soon. You are nowhere near your goal yet. The demons will come back. Those are but small demons, not the five that had cut me to pieces. Can you believe it, Eriol? This will be the last time you can call me Syao-chan, or your little descendant, and it will be the last time you will see me wave my sword. It will be the last time I'll be by your side.

Can you believe it, Sakura? When this all ends, you will never be able to tell me your feelings for me, feelings of friendship, of kindness, of fondness. Iie, I will tell you mine, when I depart.

Aishiteru, Sakura-chan.

Aishiteru.

But it matters no longer.

  
  
A few nights later I was out in the darkness. Angels normally prefer daytime, but nighttime is good too, for it was shrouded in mystery. Especially a night like Friday, when everyone is going home to rest for the weekend and there was no danger in the wild.

Perhaps Yue agreed.

I landed from the sky on the ground in the playground where the penguin slide was. I was looking at the one ton structure with no thoughts clicking in my mind. Occasionally I would remember the Change Card and all the torture it had put me through. Or the Power Card, how it had caused so much trouble just by flipping that slide.

I did not fold my wings. And Yue was there.

" What in the world..." I heard a voice breath, and I turned around. Yue was there, his own wings unfolded, and he was looking at me with his eyes full of amazement. But his mouth was pursed into a thin line and he was soon silent.

I looked into the future. Just a few more days left, Sakura. Just a few more days.

" Konbonwa, Yue-san." I said. " Do you enjoy the night as well?"

Yue hesitated. " What are you doing out here?" He asked.

I laughed. It was a quiet, amused laugh. " Those were the last words you spoke to me." I said. " The last words before you took me to your house and before I broke down. Remember?"

Yue was silent.

" You're curious." I continued. " You want to know why I have wings."

Silence.

" Is it a problem for me to have wings like yours, Yue?" I asked. " After all, wings give freedom to the birds. Why not humans? But there, I'll tell you what happened in two words. I died."

Yue flinched. " N-Nani?"  
" You heard me." I said gently. " I did not commit suicide. Remember that night when I fell weeping? It was the same night my family died. And do you know how they died?"

There was a kind of void between us. Yue was tense. I was not. And it was strange, because in life, I was the one that was tense.

" They were killed." I said. " They were chopped up into little pieces. Their blood flooded the halls. And that night when I went out, I received a phone call from my cousin. He told me what happened."

" That was why you were out..." Yue said after a moment.  
" Hai." I smiled. " That was why I couldn't tell you Yue." I started to advance towards him. He didn't move back.  
" And the next day I ran to you during lunch." I continued. " I tried to tell you, but all I managed was one sentence that you couldn't understand. Perhaps you never will."  
" They came for you too."  
" I guess you do then."  
" They came for you too. But..."  
" The body? Chopped into pieces like the rest. It is still in my apartment, Yue. You are speaking to the soul here. I am a real angel, Yue. I was chosen to be an angel. And in fact, I'm not just an angel. I'm a Seraph. Seraphs are not rulers, you know," I stopped in front of him. " They are really powerful angels."

Yue was silent. Did he care at all? Perhaps, perhaps not. Somehow I doubted that even Yue could have such a cold heart.

" Poor Yue." I said softly. " Heartbroken and alone. When Clow smiled at you you felt so warm, so loved." I reached out and took his hand. " Remember how cold your hands were on mine? Rejoice, for mine are colder now." 

Yue gasped, and I smiled. His hands felt warm to me now, because I was more than ice cold.

" Before, if you touched your own hand like this, you will feel like mine hands. Cold. Because you yourself were warm. Then Clow Reed died, and he left you, lonely and wretched with your sorrow. And you turned cold, so bitter, so cold."

" I was his descendant, Yue. But you never saw a descendant in me." I looked at him sadly. " You only saw a failure. And perhaps I was. I am not like Clow Reed. I was lonely. I was as lonely as you are, young though I was. You never saw that. You saw a failure. And perhaps I was, for where would I have been if I was successful? And with the hopelessness you yourself felt, you destroyed me."

Yue blinked, surprised. He did not understand. I smiled at him.

" Remember that day in the park?" I asked. " That day when I wondered whether I should go home or not, for after all I failed the judgment and Sakura no longer needed me. Or so I thought, then. You came, in all your glory and splendor, and told me that my destiny lies on other paths, but all stay with Sakura. So I stayed. So I died."

Yue swallowed and his hands began to tremble. I held on to them firmly. I was not angry. It was hard to get angry when you're dead. I was simply sad though.

" You lied Yue." I whispered, not blaming him, but simply stating the fact. " You lied to me like everyone did. You told me that my destiny lies with Sakura."

Yue started trembling even more. I finally let him go. He took a step back, his eyes forever on me.

" Do you care about me Yue?" I asked. " For after the demons are gone, you will see me no more. This is the last battle, Yue. This is the last time you'll see Clow's descendant waving his sword. This is the last time you'll see him holding Sakura's staff along with herself, commanding the cards to her will. This is the last time. Will you miss me when I go?"

The wind scattered the leaves on the ground and the night was becoming cold. Above, the moonlight shone brightly, the sky twinkling with the stars. Shadows loomed as carlights turned, and the sounds of the night muffled by the leaves became loud as the silence between us stretched. Next to us, the Penguin slide seemed to grow. Bushes rustled with the night creatures and an owl hooted.

Yue's answer came with the wind and it was just as soft, like a whisper in the night. But his eyes spoke for him and his words carried to me as if the wind was delivering it to me on purpose. And as he spoke I saw the first tear fall from the guardian's eyes as we stared at each other. He did not sob as I did, only wept quietly, in sorrow and longing. And his answer carried past me over through where the trees clustered together, and as it did all the sounds seemed to stop. Another tear, glistening, made its way down.

" If course I will, Syaoran." 


	4. Chapter 3

Cold Feathers

Chapter 3

There are things to know about Yukito. Once he knows something, he can't but help but tell someone, and the first person he tells is the person he trusts most. Namely Touya, who was by no means my best friend.

The first thing I did was threaten the two of them, and it was no empty threat either. I had the ability to curse just as all other immortals do, and being a Seraph, my curses are more terrible. So I threatened them with pain. They wisely believed it.  
They spoke not a word to a soul.

Touya grimaced. The next thing they did to me was come to my apartment. At first I was puzzled, but then there was the jar.

" It's all rotten!" Touya cried, pulling back. " Gross!"  
" Arigatou." I answered. Yue pushed me back from the jar so we could all stay away from it. The stench was terrible.

" So...what are you planning to do with it?" Touya asked, and I knew he was apologetic for acting that way.  
" Burn." I answered. " Burn it on tall flames, when the demons turn to ash."  
" Faggots." Touya muttered for no reason.  
" So you're keeping it until you get the revenge."  
" Not revenge." I answered. " I'm not looking for vengeance."  
" Then why?"  
" I certainly can't have a funeral for myself while I'm still visible to everyone." I answered. " I can't burn it on the stove because it's not hot enough for that body. I have to wait until the right moment, and demons burn hotter than any other coal."  
" So you're going to guard the pot."   
" Or feed it to the dogs. The problem is there are no stray dogs around here."

Yue looked at me. " You have little respect for your body."  
" It's only a body." I answered, slightly annoyed. " And besides, you never respected me as a living person either."  
" What makes you think that?"  
" Onegai."

Yue closed his eyes and sighed.

  
  
When I was alive I remember I use to hate Japanese. I hated learning it and I hated speaking it. When I was preparing to come to Japan I had to learn English. I hated that as much as I hated Japanese.

It wasn't that I had any problem with the Japanese or the English. The Chinese government, as crazy as all governments are, may have had quite some problem with the Yamato's and Clinton and Bush. But those disagreements are between the governments alone and the residents and citizens don't take part in it. Nor was it that I had any problem with the culture. Japan, quite frankly, copied from Chinese, and to hate their culture would mean to hate mine, and if I did, I certainly would be much more unhappy. The English culture appeared quite primitive and uninteresting, so I had no reason to hate it.

I thought the languages sound horrible. Japanese sounds too sharp and English sounds too soft. Of course, French is worse, and Spanish is more or less the Roman type of Japanese, but Japanese and English were the only two languages I had to learn.

Ever since I became an angel, I realized that all mortal languages were the same. All have one word that stands for an object. Sometimes two, sometimes one word could stand for two objects. All have simple words for emotion. Love. Hate. Ai, Hen, Amor.

The Angel language is not a language. We do not really speak. Sometimes we do sing, but it's very rare. Our exhalation speaks for itself and we know what it means. A deep sigh can mean many things, relief, depression, and so on, and that, perhaps, is not odd to mortals. But it can also be a question. Why? Who? And to continue that question, we inhale, letting the air move through our teeth, creating a soft hiss. Sometimes we move our lips, our tongue, and simple movements carry auras, letting the listener feel our question, feel our thoughts.

It can only be understood if one hears us, and that cannot be so here. Yet it is probably not hard to imagine that the Angel language was the most beautiful language of all, even more so than the French.

Why am I saying all this? Because that was what I thought about that day during Japanese class. I thought about how everything was. So I thought about this class and all the horrors I've forced myself through.

This whole ordeal is so funny.

" Li Syaoran?"

Again. Does he really think I would doze off, especially since I just came from Japanese class to math?

Apparently, he didn't. Terada-sensei in fact looked concerned. I sighed. Albino. Kuso.

" Stay here after class."

  
I ought to have figured that it was worth spending so much money on tanning lotion, because now Terada knows too much, or thinks he knows. I saw no reason to deny it as long as I could keep his mouth shut. I knew I could always brainwash him, but usually that takes so much energy because I have to search within the cells to find which signal was which. I certainly don't want to erase a protein; then he'll forget who he was.

However, I was not pleased at all. Three people already know of my secret and that was already too much. Far too much. I need some way to ensure my secret.

Calling up I sent for Tsu Yen. Silently we discussed matters. Tsu Yen thought that brainwashing the three of them wouldn't be wise. The best thing to do was to set a spell, so that whenever they begin to reveal the secret, something clever stops them.

We set to work. It was a simple spell. It wasn't long before all three of them fell under it, and Tsu Yen went back to Paradise.

  
  
_" Akasatana, hamayarawa"  
_  
It was an interesting dream. I was learning Japanese in that dream, but _I_ wasn't learning it. There was another person, another Syaoran, about seven years old, learning Japanese, saying the first words, the alphabet which, naturally, had no meaning whatsoever.

" _Aiueo, kakikukeko, naninuneno,"_

" You were so small then."

I looked to my right. It was Nadeshiko.

" _Hahihuheho, mamimumemo, lalilulelo,"_

" Hai, you were small then." She smiled.   
" Seems so long ago." I answered.  
" Do you wish you were still alive?"  
" Iie, not really."  
" Not even for Sakura?"

I paused. I would go back for Sakura.  
" She doesn't need me."  
" How do you know?"

I paused again.

" Should I really go back for your daughter, Nadeshiko?" I asked. " You know there is a drink."  
" A drink of forgetfulness." She nodded.  
" When I drink it I will forget my love for her."  
" And be forever happy."

I looked at the younger version of myself writing those ugly characters that Japanese use. Or at least, I thought them ugly that time. I use to describe them as squashed flies. Later I learned to find some beauty in them.

" You never know. Maybe I will not drink it."  
" I doubt it. I think you will."  
" Why do you say that?"  
" Because the angels want you to."

I laughed bitterly. " Don't you think it odd? That Angels will reject love when this is the type they are known for."  
" The thing with you is," Nadeshiko admitted sadly, " Your love will cause you great unhappiness."  
" And I'm the youngest Seraph there ever will be." I answered. " Someone actually cares for me up there."  
" You have friends in the living world too, you know."  
" But not friends I can trust my heart with."  
" Are you sure about that?"

I looked at Nadeshiko. " So frivilous, you know. Do you really think they will understand?"  
" Give them time, Syaoran. When they are older they'll understand you better."  
" But then I'll be older, if I am alive."

Nadeshiko saw what I meant.

" Ai Syaoran, you grow too fast."  
" I've stopped growing for now."

_" Watashi no Syaoran des."_

" _A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O P,"_

Nadeshiko held my hand for a moment as the dream began to fade.  
" The last dream you'll ever have." She said.  
" The last one." I answered.

And then the dream faded into nothingness.

  
  
_" AAAH!" I cried, writhing. Blood was everywhere. I screamed again, shrieking in pain and terror, as the knife plunged through. Then, a scream that seemed to ring, " IIEEE!"_

" Having nightmares yet?" I asked Touya. Touya made a face, and only held my hand tighter.  
" You'll kill your epithelial cells." I said. And it was true. My skin was so cold it will freeze his hand literally.  
" Shizuka ni."  
" Funny. I'm dead, and I still have nightmares."  
" Would you shut up?" Touya glared. " Otherwise, I'll tell."  
" No you won't." I answered. " I made sure of that."  
" Just shut up, alright?"

The last word sounded like a sob and because of that I decided to remain quiet. I felt Touya stop and crouch down, letting me go and burying his face into his hands.

His body was trembling and he was unable to maintain his balance. He fell back.

I sighed. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back.

" It's going to be alright." I said to him. " Don't cry. It's not that bad."  
" You think." He sobbed, rubbing his eyes. " We should have done something, and someone should have followed you home or something like that!"

I swallowed.

" And now you're here as if you're all alive and all, but who knows, maybe tomorrow I won't see you anymore, and no one else will either."

" Oni-chan! Oni- Hoe?" Sakura blinked. Touya rubbed his eyes and got up.  
" I fell." He explained.  
" Oni-chan..." Sakura said very slowly, " Were you crying?"

Touya turned to me for help. In order to protect him, I began laughing.  
" Baka cries because he fell. Yeah right, even I couldn't do that. How can a seventeen-year-old guy start bawling because he fell?" I snickered. " Although it would be interesting-"  
" Urusai!"

Sakura laughed and forgot about it. " Yukito-san just bought some Chinese buns. Want to come?"  
" Ugh, I've had enough Chinese buns." Touya muttered. " That restaurant sells too much and it's all oily and icky."  
" I'm not hungry." I answered.

Then I would have started sweating if Angels sweat. Sakura gave me this queer look that held suspicion and perplexion. Tilting her head, she let me go. I released a mental sigh of relief. I do not need her to know.

  
  
The lake was not a large lake, but in the darkness of the night, one could hardly tell. The air had a fresh scent to it, that of grass covered with morning dew, or of cool mornings after gentle rains. The moon shimmered in the water and was surrounded by many glittering stars. Surrounding the water were dark green moss that grew to ferns and grass. Wildflowers littered up along the bank. Trees lined around the lake, creating a forest behind. 

I stared at my reflection in the water. I am so different now. I was no longer frustrated as I was before, a boy with hidden rage. I was calm. I was at peace. Yet in my heart I felt sorrow. There is still beauty in this world. But I knew one day the humans will destroy it all. And all that will be left are paintings from long ago, and perhaps photographs of what had been.

Most of the card captures Sakura and I have had in the past took place at night, like this. It was not at the lake, but at the park, but still there was an eerie darkness about it. As if everything had stopped just for us, the two of us, as we waited for whatever card that will attack.

It was strange how day and night differ. In the mornings and afternoons, Sakura was a happy girl, bright and pretty, a simple girl of ten years living her life to the fullest. At night, however, she was no longer so bright. Darkness dims even the brightest of stars. Sakura turned from a happy, bright and simple girl into a beautiful, deadly, cautious mistress. She was powerful. She was intelligent. And in the darkness, her innocence and ignorance shone like bright flame.

The night was cool and calm. The wind occasionaly moved through the grass, sending ripples over the water. I looked up at the sudden movement within the trees. 

Yue moved quietly but I knew he was there. He knew that too, and for a while we stood, facing each other, with nothing else moving or making a sound.

Suddenly, I wanted comfort. I wanted the warmth of love and affection coming from someone, anyone who was alive. I half expected Yue to satisfy my desire. But how would he know? He was a cold guardian. For a moment I felt the world draw away from me and I stood alone, watching it through my eyes and mine alone.

Yue stretched out his hand. For a moment I stared at it. Yue never did that before, stretching his hand out to a troubled boy. Now he was stretching it out to a fellow but dead angel. He held it out too late. But even so, better late than never.

I took it. His hand was warm. I briefly wondered what my hand felt like. I was glad Sakura never touched me. If she had, all doubts will be erased.

What would she do if she knew I was leaving her? Would it trouble her as much as say, her brother leaving for college?

" You are troubled." Yue observed as he pulled me closer to him. " Perhaps you ought to go back."  
" Nay, being here clears my mind." I answered. " What brings you here?"  
" You." Yue answered truthfully. " Sakura is getting suspicious."  
" I know." I replied.  
" When will you tell her?"  
" Perhaps never." I answered. " Perhaps I'll lie. Tell her that I am going to Hong Kong. And never come back."  
" She'll never believe that."  
" Why?"  
" Because your aura will be gone."  
" She'll muse that mystery on her own, then."  
" She'll suffer, Syaoran."

I looked over at the lake. " Maybe not." I answered. " I can make her forget that I even existed. Forget my name, forget my personality. I can even make you forget. Would you like that?"

Yue hesitated. I smiled bitterly.  
" I can grant you one wish." I told him. " A single wish. I know you have one above all others. You're a being with few wants."  
" Hai," He said slowly. " I do have one wish. And it's not to forget you. That will not solve anything."

I nodded. " It wouldn't, indeed."

We remained silent for a while. The grass and bushes rustled.

" I don't want to feel pain any longer." Yue whispered. " I only want...my joy back."

I studied Yue carefully and I saw an angel hidden inside, tainted by the pain of many deaths, but doomed to be immortal and forever serve a master doomed to die.

Clow had many faults. He created his guardians with no thought of what was good for them. He created the cards to store the power and harness it and use it like a god. He created guardians to keep the cards under control. But even then, Clow had not stopped. He tried to make himself immortal. At last his wisdom returned and he realized his fate. So he designed the cards better, and created Yue, the judge of the new masters. But even there he had not given thought of how this will hurt Yue, how much pain it will bring, simply because he was immortal serving one who will die.

Yue was not cold.

" There is an easy way to ease your pain." I said to him gently, and Yue blinked in surprise. I smiled and continued. " You are an angel. You are born of the moon. You have the beauty and heart of an angel and even the wings. You even have immortality. All you need is to be in the right place."

Yue's lips parted slightly and he gazed at me with surprise. I smiled again and stopped him from talking.

" But," I continued, " there is a catch. You must throw away your duties as a guardian. This ritual will require you to be complete and not just some magical form with a conscious. Your departure will bring great pain to others. You will abandon your master. You will abandon her brother. You will abandon your fellow guardian. Are you willing to do that?"

Yue began trembling. " Is there no other way?"

" There are other ways, but your joy will not last long." I answered. " And I will not wait for you. You will be trapped here, with your random joy."

Yue paused. I knew what he was going through. It was a difficult decision.

" As Seraph," I said to him softly, " I give you little words of cold comfort, but comfort all the same. You can always watch over them. And that will prove more useful then you being here."

Yue backed away a little.

" Will they remember me?" He asked.  
" If you want them to." I answered. I looked over at the lake.

" As an immortal you can look at this lake if you choose to stay." I said to him. " And watch as this lake becomes filled with rotten bodies. Slowly the air will become like the air around my broken body and all will be filled with death. You can watch as the earth becomes filthy and covered in salt. You'll watch as beauty dies and your masters become crueler and harsher as they would need to be in the cruel and harsh world. Or you can come with me. And all will be peaceful. You will suffer no want. There will be joy all around in the land of the untainted."

Yue whispered like he did that night when he realized who I was. And like that night the whisper carried its way to the trees.

" _You say this battle will be your last battle with Sakura. That is also mine."_


	5. Chapter 4

Cold Feathers

Chapter 4

" Tsu Yen! Rachel!" I called. 

The two angels coughed.

" Elgh," Rachel made a silent grimace. " Sugar."  
" So the young Seraph heard too, eh?" Tsu Yen smiled. " Time to shine, Syaoran! The demons are just within your reach. Now all you have to do is tell Sakura."  
" All at the wrong time." I muttered. " Sakura's sick and I can't cure her-otherwise everyone will wonder how she healed so quickly."  
" As much as they will wonder at your skin? I doubt it." Rachel answered. " Come along, we'll just call Nadeshiko and let her take care of the job. Nadeshiko!"

Nadeshiko materialized into view with a swirl and I almost felt dizzy watching her. She sighed.  
" Blasted sorcerors." She muttered. " Oh, about my daughter? I'll take care of her. You three just go and do with the demons as you like."  
" Chop them into pieces." Rachel nodded.  
" Maybe make them wear flowers. It would be so hilarious." Tsu Yen volunteered.

I cocked an eyebrow. " You two seem awfully happy today."  
" That's what happens when you live in the joyous land long enough. You'll see." Tsu Yen smiled. I laughed.  
" Gee, I look forward to that."  
" Come along, Mr. Punctual. Let us have some fun with the demons while Nadeshiko does her work. And Nadeshiko," Rachel became very strict. " Keep that trap shut."

Nadeshiko rolled her eyes. " It's not like Sakura can see me, anyway."  
" Just make sure you don't tell your mother." Rachel rolled her eyes this time, and we parted.

  
  
" So what did you call us for?" Tsu Yen asked.  
" I need your help. Rachel is good at playing with dark magic. I need her to do something to distract the demons so they stay here for a long while, and I need you to create a barrier so the demons can't get out."  
" A barrier? How big?"  
" Really big. Fifty square acres."  
" That's a lot." Tsu Yen looked troubled. " No wonder you called. I'll need your help. Especially since this is the mortal world and I am liable to allergies."

I chuckled. " Ah Tsu Yen, always the clown up there. Nevertheless I'll need your help anyway."  
" I'll do something about the Dark Magic." Rachel agreed. " But I'm afraid I have lost my touch. When I was alive I was skillful in that art. Now as an angel..."  
" Don't worry." I assured her. " You'll be fine. Now, Tsu Yen, shall we?"

  
  
Fifty acres is a large area even for an angel like Tsu Yen, who was faster than Yue and far more nimble. He managed to cover around three quarters while I did the last quarter. Surprisingly enough I had no grudge against how efficiently he worked and how useless I seemed.

Tsu Yen probably guess that I might have had I been alive and comforted me just in case.

" You're young." He explained. " You'll grow, and in fact, I've known a lot of clumsy Seraphs, and you're not one of them."

Grow. Isn't that strange? Theoretically when something dies, they aren't supposed to grow anymore. It goes against the laws of science. But I guess this isn't science, after all. We are beyond the level of the human mind. And I will grow, Tsu Yen told me. 

" You'll grow to be a fine young man." He joked once when we crossed paths.

Before I would have scoffed at that comment and glared at him. Now I just smiled. I use to think-well, not think, but I have always believed somewhere in my mind that Sakura and I would get married. Or hoped, it doesn't matter what the emotion was. And that I would be a fine young man as Tsu Yen had stated and Sakura would be a fine young woman. Perhaps we would have a child, and we would be fine young parents, gradually getting older, until we're fine old grandparents, and fine old great grandparents, and if we don't live past that at least we'd be the fine old deceased, together always.

There are many differences to that illusion now. Now I am a fine young child. Sakura is a fine young girl and I'm a fine young boy. We're not married at all, in fact, she doesn't even know that I love her, and I'm not sure that her love for me will even be recognized in time. We certainly are not fine young parents or grandparents for that matter, and right now Sakura is a fine young girl, alive and blooming with the coming of spring, and I'm the fine young deceased, too young to depart and yet I did. We had separated just like that. I lost her. She lost me. It's really over now.

" You'll grow to be a fine young man."

  
  
Rachel came to us, leaning against a tree for support.

" Gosh, I haven't done that in a long while, and it's tiring." She muttered. " Where is Nadeshiko?"

Nadeshiko swirled into view and I made a note to snap at her for that later.  
" How's Sakura?" Tsu Yen asked for me.  
" She's alright now, plenty tired." She answered. " Quite frankly the fever was higher than I expected. It took some time to lower it down."

She brushed her hair out of her face. " What of the demons?"  
" I gave them quite a workout." Rachel beamed. " They're running all over the place."

Tsu Yen and I cocked an eyebrow at her.  
" Now I know why Clow Reed was afraid of you." I began, " And even more, how Nakuru came to be."

Rachel laughed. " In my honor! Yes! But come, let us go up to Paradise for a while."  
" I'm staying here." I answered.

Suddenly all three spirits seemed displeased.

" You're a Seraph for nearly two weeks now." Tsu Yen muttered. " You still didn't enjoy Paradise yet."  
" I have all eternity, remember?" I smiled. " I have all eternity, but once I go up there I won't come back for a long time. Might as well savor the beauty of this world as long as it lasts. It won't be here any longer when I come back."  
" In that case, we'll leave you for now." Rachel smiled. Nadeshiko studied me for a moment as the two angels left.  
" Do you really want to go?" She asked me.  
" Would I regret it?" I paused. " Likely not."

  
  
The beach was covered with the whitest of sand and there were cracked shells and small crabs hidden underneath. The sea was calm. Occasionally the waves would wash onto shore some seaweed and kelp. Tiny fish glittered in the waves.

The sky was dark and the sun was beginning to set. Clouds were purple against the bluish sky, and the sunlight, red crimson, glittered on the waters. The air smelled salty, yet there was a freshness to it. Seagulls called to each other, preparing for the night.

" Pretty, isn't it?"

I turned my head. " You use to walk with Clow along these shorelines, no?"

Rachel smiled bitterly. " That was long ago. Then Clow abandoned me for the cards."  
" Bitter love, eh?"

Rachel closed her eyes. 

" He loved his cards with all his heart. It was the only thing he thought of in his long life. No love, no romance, except that one fateful marriage that brought about descendants like you."  
" Do you hate him for it?" I asked.  
" No. I understand him." Rachel looked across the horizon. " He was a wretched man."

We sat on the sandy beach for a long while, and watched the tides begin to rise.

" I heard you granted Yue his wish."  
" He's leaving with me."  
" It's a bad idea."  
" Good for him though."  
" What about Sakura? Her brother? Her guardian?" Rachel asked, looking at me curiously.

Sakura. Oh lovely, breathtaking Sakura.

" They'll see to themselves." I answered. " Yue suffered more than they ever will. Time will heal eventually."  
" You seem rather confident."  
" I am. Of all of them Yue alone is incurable. Paradise will help with that."  
" Sakura would have been a good mistress."  
" And Yue a good guardian. More than what he is rewarded with."

There was a deep silence, broken only by the waves. The sun peeked out of the horizon far away, its light getting thinner and less brilliant. Above, the sky had turned purple, and the clouds shadows with pink linings.

_" Lovely child, lightly child,  
Hair of auburn gold,  
Child with eyes of stone._

Lovely child, graceful child,  
Smile as soft as rains,  
Laugh as fine as summer days.

Lovely child, awesome child,  
Light in the dark,  
Staff in hand and aura blaze.

Sakura..."

  
  
" If you still love her," Rachel whispered after a pause, " Perhaps you should wait."  
" No." I answered. " I will not."  
" Why?" Rachel asked. " I don't understand."  
" You will." I assured her.  
" Your song is pretty." She mustered weakly.  
" Look, the sun has set."

It did. The sun was gone, and the waters had turned dark. But the sky was still purple and where the sun had disappeared there was still a little bit of the red glow. Still, this was sign enough. The two of us stood up.

" Let's go check on Sakura." Rachel smiled. I smiled back at her.

  
  
The next day Sakura was very tired in school. So was I. Not _tired _, really, just drained and annoyed. School was getting exceedingly dull.

" Syaoran-kun, I'm getting a feeling that you're keeping something from me." Was the first thing she said that morning.  
  
Naturally, I was not up to telling her everything.  
" Oh? What makes you think that?"  
" Oni-chan was yelling at Yukito-san the other night." Sakura answered. " And I heard them talking about you. They said something about you leaving."  
  
Ah. Touya. So Yue told him, and Touya was hurt. Something could be settled for that. After all, it was Yue who was leaving. Not Yukito.  
" Might be." I answered simply. Tomoyo looked at me queerly.

Ah, right Tomoyo. You were one of the first two people to notice my crush on Sakura. Now you're wondering, what happened? Why do I seem so indifferent?

What would you say to the truth?

" I might go back to Hong Kong, I'm not sure yet."  
" So you mean you might not?" Sakura looked hopeful.

I decided not to complicate matters. " Hai."

After all, there's always tomorrow.

For now, anyway. For now, when the night of the last battle is yet to come.

  
  
The night came.

Devils. Hundreds of them. Sakura looked at them with fear in her eyes. I was wearing white. White robes, for the first time in my life, and a hood. The others had asked me why I wore this. I gave them no response. They also asked why I carried the strange jar under my arm. I gave them no answer.

I did not think of the battle. I did not bother to watch. I already knew how it was going to turn out. Let Eriol and Sakura make the first few moves. I'll enter later.

Inside my mind I was going through the future.

There was a reason why I was leaving Sakura. It wasn't because I did not love her. I loved her dearly. But I do not love how she'll turn out. Time will come when she will take an exam for junior high school. She'll come across many questions she couldn't answer, and an idea will come to her head. Why not use the cards? So she used them, feeling guilty all the while, but she got into that junior high school.

Then came her first test in that school. She vowed never to use the cards for such deeds, but finally she couldn't control herself and cheated again. She said to herself, " I won't do this again."

But she did it anyway.

Then came some popular girls, who sneered at her. Sakura grew angry. Then an idea popped into her head.

Why not punish them with magic?

So she did. Made their skirts wet. Made them water themselves.

Hahaha. So far so good. It couldn't get any worse, can it?

Then one of the girls became so rude Sakura punished her to the utmost.

She knocked her out.

Sakura promised she will never touch the cards again. But the evil has already been down. The next time, another girl insulted her. She grew angry. So with Firey, Sakura burned down that girl's house.

She was horrified, naturally, but her heart had begun to harden at such things. Next came another girl who had the crush on the same guy Sakura was. Sakura flooded her apartment.

High school. Sakura took another exam. She cheated again. She was use to it now. College, the same thing. She murdered the first boy who had tried to attack her.

Then came several sorcerors. They wanted to test her, to see if she was worthy of being a sorceress. Sakura killed them all. She didn't mean to. She was upset at them.

Her heart hardened even more. The guilty conscience was gone.

No one becomes evil willingly. No, for evil, though powerful, is tough to bear. It's hard to harden your heart. It takes strength, and for most people, they aren't strong enough to harden their heart. Their heart is weak. Evil takes strength. 

Sakura has that strength, though. She was perfectly capable of being evil when she must. And slowly, she'll develop that darkness, until all light has flashed out.

It wouldn't make a difference whether I was there or not.

So would I stay with the person I love, only to let her become the monster she was destined to be?

I am a Seraph.

I am an Angel.

I'm sorry, Sakura.

  
  
" Firey! Release and Dispel!"

I raised my head.  
" Syaoran-kun! We need your help!" Sakura cried. The demons were everywhere. I had hidden in the shadows. They did not find me.

Tsu Yen had given me a new sword. It was a nice, sharp, heavy one. I drew it out.

At the sound, the demons watched me. I stepped out.

" So it begins."

  
  
Eriol lifted his staff and something red flashed. I turned around and plunged my sword into the body of one of the minor demons. The brute gave a loud cry, a shriek of anger, and its body crumbled into dust. I threw the jar above my head and swung my sword around, stabbing another demon. It reached out, trying to grab my for balance, but caught my hood instead. I caught the jar as it came down, closing the lid. I turned to face one of my murderers.

" You..." It said, its eyes widening. " Impossible!"  
" Why not?" I asked, quite pleasantly. " If there are demons, why not angels?"

The devil widened its eyes even more, but before it could speak I plunged my sword through it. It crumbled to dust silently.

Something white struck near my right. I blinked. There was a demon, collapsing to its knees. A minor one though, one who nearly had my jar. Why retrieve a body when they're after the cards? It's folly. I looked at the direction where the silver arrow came from and saw Yue.

Yue was smiling.

I smiled back. I knew why he was smiling. It was the first time he was like the angel that he was meant to be.

_ You're closer than you think._

Lifting my left arm I drew a vertical arc in front of me, creating a bow of my own. I pulled my right arm back. An arrow. I fired. One demon dropped. Next to me, Eriol paused, staring at me. A ball of fire blew past. I whirled around. It was Kero. Something struck him; a spear. With a great roar he fell to his side, blood oozing.

I decided it was enough. I closed my eyes, and felt them spread.

" Syaoran-kun!" I heard Sakura cry, and I lifted my wings and turned back to the demons, daring them to come near. 

At first, many shrank back. I smiled. They wouldn't dare challenge the wrath of a Seraph, no matter how young.

One demon grabbed Sakura. She screamed. I looked at that demon. It was one of them. One of the great Five.

It grinned at me, a toothy grin. Its yellow teeth gleamed and a red tongue licked the lips. Glaring eyes glanced at mine and held them. I responded steadily.

" What, harm the one you wish to use?" I asked. " Not very wise."  
" It isn't wise either to risk the life of the one you love." The demon responded, and with that, the other small, powerless demons took courage and started to advance towards me.

I was the Seraph. I was not afraid. That demon will not hurt Sakura. It was all fake. She was to lure me into submission.

See how you hurt me already, Sakura? But you won't hurt me this time. Not when I'm like this, all powerful, free from you.

" Halt!" I called, and the demons, to their own amazement, stopped at my command. They started trembling as I started to advance towards the one that held my Sakura.

Mine, for tonight. She was always mine, until the day the demons took her away from me, and then she was mine again when I returned. Tonight will be the last night. The last night I will think of Sakura as mine. And then I will lose her as one loses his heart. One who loses his fortunes. His happiness.

His life.

And when I advanced I advanced like death on one who was dying. I am Death tonight. I will be the Death of all those who hurt my Sakura.

By tomorrow, I will be gone.

But tonight, well,

Tonight I shall play murderer. 


	6. Chapter 5

Cold Feathers

Chapter 5

" _Lovely Child..."_

The demon must have known what I was planning to do and held on to Sakura even more tightly. When I was a satisfying distance away, I halted. I closed my eyes, flexed my wings, and all of the sudden all about me was bright light. I heard gasps, gasps of everyone around me. There was a shriek, and I opened my eyes to see the demon thrusting Sakura out of his arms, screaming in pain. Sakura ran to my side. I was her protection. Yue and I alone could harm the demons. The rest could only slow them.

The demon started for me, raising its sword. I raised my own. Our sword clashed, clink clink, and bright light flashed on the blade. It was a good fighter, the demon. I twirled around and kicked. The demon fell, but rolled to its feet. I twirled the sword and struck. He twisted, lashing at my head. I blocked. Blocked again, then struck. Slowly, a rhythm was forming in my mind. Block, block, clash, kick and block.

Now is the time to break it.

I flipped and struck with my sword. Right on its head. The demon screamed, and this time I did see blood. Blood covered my eyes. I saw red. The demon crumbled into dust.

I decided to end it right there. The last battle. My time for revenge. Sakura's time for triumph.

" Take out your staff, Sakura." I told her, moving her in front of me gently. " Draw out all the cards you have."

She did. The cards floated in front of her obediently, waiting for her command.

" Say what I say," I told her, and paused for a minute before beginning again.

_" Cards of Stars,"_

" Cards of stars,"  
_  
" Ancient's pride,"_

" Ancient's pride,"

_" Let the damned souls,"_

" Let the damned souls,"

_" Be cursed tonight,"_

" Be cursed tonight,"

_" And be sent to where,"_

" And be sent to where,"

_" There is no light,"_

" There is no light,"

The cards began glowing, the pink aura of Sakura's.

I began to chant.

" Angels! I am Li Syaoran,  
Heed my words. Let the moon and sun,  
Witness my triumph!  
Tonight we shall be free!  
Tonight we shall be free!  
Tonight we shall be free!"

Sakura's eyes shot open.

" Firey! Watery! Earthy! Windy! Release and Dispell!"

There was a bright glow and all of the sudden a huge explosion.

" Mirror! Illusion! Twin! Power!"

Another explosion, followed by the shaking of the ground. Four by four, Sakura named the cards, commanding them to release their energy. 

At the end, when the Void card was named, all about were flames. But the flames were not bright red or orange. They were pale white, silver like the moon, hot as the many stars. Wails and cries. Dust burning. The demons were gone.

I looked down at the jar and opened it. The stench was no longer there. Instead, there was the shrunken face, with the dead eyes, rotten and soft and leaking water.

Sakura stepped back, horrified at it. I looked at her. Briefly I wondered what she would do if she had known this earlier. Would she had sought revenge? Would she do this to the demons, as horrifying as the flames were, for her love for me? Did she love me as much?

" Here." I held out the jar, its lid opened, the shrunken face staring at her. Kero and the others stared at me in surprise.

Still holding the jar I told her my story.

" Some time ago," I began, " These demons invaded my home in Hong Kong. My mother and sisters were killed."

Sakura blinked, shocked.

" Several years ago," I continued, " These same demons went to my home and tried to destroy my family. They succeeded, partly, in killing my father."

Silence, save for the cracking of flames and the wind hissing around us.

" Sakura-san." I began. " You see me this way. You see me as an Angel, as a warrior. Before, you saw me as a friend. As a rich boy. Do you know what they did to me? Some time ago they did this to me. They tore my body into tiny bits and left me to die. And I did. But they weren't just after me. They were after you too. And I knew this. So I came back. I came back because if I didn't you will end up like I did. In pieces. To be loathed by all."

" No one will give you a burial. Will you bury this corpse? Even now you revolt at it. And I don't blame you. It is a disgusting task. But I love you Sakura. I loved you when I first knew who you really were. When I first looked into your eyes and realized that you are one that I can trust. One that I can show my weakness."

Sakura stared at the dead eyes that looked up at her and I saw a tear trickle down her cheek. No, Syaoran. Do not wipe it away. It defeats the purpose.

" Sakura, I do not ask you to love me." I said. " But I do ask you to respect who I was. You can no longer bury this body. It is not fit to be in a coffin. It is beyond that now. I want you to throw it into those flames. Those flames were burning the corpses of my murderers. I want my body to burn with those who killed me as the fuel. Show the world that I won. Show the heavens and the earth, that I triumphed and they lost. They now burn as nameless corpses. And I want you to gather my ashes and bury them, for then they will be fit to bury."

Sakura trembled, and she was speechless. She closed her eyes.

" After that I want you to forget about me." I told her. " But for now, show me that my friendship with you is not in vain. That my love for you is not useless love or unreasonable love. Give me a reason to be proud of who I was and who you are. Show me that you care about me."

Sakura took the jar without hesitation. Wiping her eyes, she took the pieces out with her bare hands and tossed them into the flames. I stood behind her. I knew the others were too surprised to be disgusted with me. But Sakura understood. Sakura understood who I was. It didn't matter that she was the only one.

  
  
When the flames burnt out on the ground was pavement and ashes. My own, for the demons were gone, as if they had never been. I stood beside Sakura as she gathered the ashes. Then she picked up the beads that came from the bones. White beads. With her magic she produced a magic urn. She put some of her aura in it. She wrapped it with her cloak.

Dawn was coming.

  
  
" An urn burial! What honor! And she agreed to that?" Rachel laughed. " Good! That shows that she does deserve you, Syaoran."

I didn't smile though. I was taking what had belonged to me. Today was the last day.

" You don't have to leave, you know." Tsu Yen said solemnly. Nadeshiko stood beside Rachel. 

" Hai, you can stay with me." Rachel beamed. " Help keep me company as I take care of Eriol."

I smiled at her sadly. " That was your choice." I said to her. " This is mine."  
" But why?" She asked.  
" You'll see." I answered. " Take care of Eriol. And while you're at it, watch Sakura. See how she changes."

Rachel paused, and a sad realization graced her features.

" Syaoran-kun."

" I still have work to do." I said after a pause. " After all, Yue needs to be separate from Yukito to come with me. And as for the others, well, they all have wishes, don't they?"  
" Playing Dionysus, eh, for a bunch of King Midases?" Nadeshiko laughed. " What fun! I think I'll enjoy this. Come along, let's see what the mortals want."

  
  
Outside Touya was reading. He leaped to his feet and ran towards me as I approached. We stopped and looked at each other, this time not glaring.

After a long moment he finally spoke. " So you're leaving then."  
" Hai."  
" When?"  
" Tonight."  
" So..."  
" I came to say goodbye." I answered his question. " And to use my power for something you want. As my last gift."

Touya hesitated. " Me?"  
" Why not? You're the brother of someone I loved." I answered quietly.

The wind blew. The day was sunny. Several cars drove by, and the birds chattered noisily. It was a beautiful day, dry and warm.  
" I want my sister to be happy."  
" Don't wish for others." I told him. " They will have their own chance."

Touya hesitated.

" I want to be successful. At whatever I strive for."

I smiled.

  
  
Kero healed of his wound by my hand. His was a silly wish. A wish for endless amounts of sweets and food. Spinel added something to that, books, many many books, and sweets to go along with it. But when I told Kero that Yue was leaving, he asked me if he could forget about Yue, so the pain would be less.

A good choice.

Nakuru wanted to die when Eriol dies.

Strange for a frivolous guardian as she. But she looked so tired when she said it.  
" When you live for several thousand years," She said sadly, a weary look in her eyes, " With nothing but a far off hope, nothing to live for, nothing to love or be happy for, death is more welcoming."

So I granted her mortality.

Eriol listened solemnly. I turned to him.

" Well, Eriol?" I waited. I knew he was pondering.  
" I want...to be free."

I knew what he meant. Free from troubles, free from all despair. A wise choice. And I'm not the type to attach strings.

Eriol will die in peace.

  
  
I already knew what Tomoyo wanted, and granted it. She will be proud. She will have something to be proud of. Her riches, her success, her Sakura.

But I did not ask Sakura for her wish. Mainly because I knew what was to come.

I went to Yukito. I closed my eyes and separated Yue from Yukito. I made Yue a solid form, not just magic. And Yukito, Yukito will be happy. He will have a wonderful life.

By this time, night had come. Tsu Yen and Rachel and Nadeshiko appeared out on the sidwalk to my building.

" Well, shall we?" Tsu Yen asked.

I clutched my lasin board and nodded.

We headed towards the woods. We talked. Mostly about me, actually, as I was the new one in the group. We talked about how I use to always practice martial arts and wrote poems. That time when I fetched the bird for Meiling. The power I will be having. The glory.

Then we talked about Yue. How he use to laugh a lot, and I teased Yue about how stoic he was now. Yue grew embarrassed. Typical of an angel.

The forest was green, mostly. It smelled of many leaves. The paths were covered with soft moss that was dark and rich green. However, there was little light, so it was hard to see. Several green moths with swallowtails passed as we walked leisurely. Above, the moonlight peered through the branches. The air was calm and cool, fresh like a day after a rain. Crickets chirped all around us. We could hear the shimmer of grass in a far distant meadow, and the gurgling of a small creek somewhere to the right of us.

The path stretched ahead pointing to a darkness that grew further and further away as we walked. More bushes and trees peered out of that darkness where we could see no light. Above, an owl fluttered from one true to the next. We heard stones toppling. Several petals of flowers drifted down.

We walked on.

" Syaoran-kun!"

I turned around. We were almost there. The gate was right there before us, golden and intricately embroidered with carving. Many jewels lined against the gate. It was not open yet. 

" Syaoran-kun, matte!"

I looked at the running figure. Sakura came to me, panting. She stopped in front of me and paused to get her breath.

" Syaoran-kun, are you going to leave?" She asked, her green eyes pleading.

I hesitated. " Hai." I answered. " I'm leaving."  
" Without a goodbye?" She sobbed.  
" Isn't this one?" I asked. " I knew you will come."

The others were silent. Sakura stared at Yue. " You're leaving too." She whispered. This time she started to cry. In her silent way. The others were silent. Nadeshiko had left.

" Sakura." I said at last. " Gomen nasai."

Sakura looked at me, her eyes searching.

I told her that she could have one wish. One last wish from me.

" I want you to stay." She whispered. " I want Yue to stay. I want both of you to stay."

I looked at her steadily. " That is the only wish I cannot grant." I answered.  
" Why?" She whispered. " I thought you loved me."  
" I do love you." I answered steadily. " But it doesn't matter. It's fate, Sakura. You and I will never be together. It will never work."

Sakura lowered her eyes. I looked at what was in her hand. She wiped her eyes and handed the teddy bear to me.

It was Sakura's work. She was the one that made it. It was soft and cuddly. A reminder of childhood. I took the teddy bear and stared at it. It had soft green eyes.

I held the teddy bear close to me and buried my face into it, raising my eyes to look at Sakura. She was no longer crying. She knew I was going to leave. It was inevitable.

" Farewell, Sakura."  
" Farewell, Syaoran."

The gate opened. I turned to it. And without a look back, I stepped through. When the door closed I knew Sakura was still watching after me.


	7. Epilogue

Cold Feathers

Epilogue

" Welcome, Li Syaoran, to the land of Paradise! A wise choice you made!" Ilya laughed. He was one of the Seraphs. " I cannot tell you how delighted we are to have you as one of us!"  
" It is the same with me." I answered, suddenly feeling warm. Here everything was joyous. Everything was peaceful. There was no pain.  
" What, no Rachel?" Ilya asked, laughing. " Ah, she'll come when Eriol dies, I guess."  
" Yue!" He turned to the guardian. " What a surprise! Come! I'll introduce you to everyone." He led Yue to the crowd of angels and there was great fuss.

I turned to Tsu Yen. 

There were many angels, all glad to meet me, which made me feel all the more happier. Then I saw my family far away and ran to meet them. I leaped into my father's arms. His arms were just as strong as I remembered, and I laughed. We kissed and cried and wept tears of joy. We were together again, in the home of the blessed.

Suddenly, I remembered the teddy bear.

Father noticed too. He smiled sadly, and suddenly everyone was quiet. He led me to an altar where there was a goblet and some strange wine. Filling it up, he held it out to me. I stared at the cup. This was it. This was the last move I'll make for Sakura.

Sakura. You were the one that made me so happy in Japan. Your eyes. Your laugh. The way you'll come to me and fidget in that shy way of yours, looking at me with your eyes and stuttering. The way you would bend down and ask if I was alright.

You're beautiful, Sakura.

Sakura. Remember how we first met? You were sitting there, all shocked and surprised, staring at me with your green eyes, and thinking, _It's him..._

I was looking at you and I knew you were the one. Whether it was my love of the mistress, I had long forgotten. But I knew you were the one. That you will be important.

And you proved that.

Afterwards with Eriol around you said you needed my help. I did watch after you, look after your safety, but you never really needed it. Most of the time it was me. I needed help, and you saved me.

I remember that teddy bear that I gave you so long ago. Long ago, it seemed. That time you were still looking after Yukito and blushing every time he came. That time I was watching you and I was too scared to tell my feelings to you. I didn't know any better, and perhaps, if I wasn't an angel I still wouldn't.

I remember how you would sigh and look down as your brother and I argue, or Kero and I shout at each other. And sometimes you would try to break us up, but you wouldn't know how to handle the situation. And how sometimes you would come to me for advice on the cards.

Remember that first night we talked about normal things? We talked about how we were. You asked me about Wei. It was the night when the Erase card attacked and you were scared of ghosts. And we didn't talk about things like capturing cards or even about Clow Reed or Kero. We talked about ourselves.

I looked at the goblet. I saw my reflection. Inside, it wasn't just Li Syaoran. I blinked. I saw golden amber eyes. I saw white fair skin. I saw a child.

_" Lovely child..."_

Slowly I raised my hand and accepted the cup. I looked into the wine. This wine will make me forget about my love for her. I will still remember Sakura was in my life, but I will no longer love her.

I will no longer remember those times, Sakura. Or I will, but they will take a different form. They will never be as precious. Because you won't be so precious anymore.

When I sip from this cup, I will stop loving you. You will no longer be in my heart. You will lose me.

Will you allow me to do this, if you had a choice?

Darling Sakura. Precious Sakura. There was a time, long ago, when Eriol was still giving us tests. Us, because he was curious about me too. And there was a time, after a battle, when we constantly locked our pinkies together and made promises. Many different kinds of promises, some frivolous, others deep and thoughtful.

When I drink from this cup I will not be able to keep any of those promises anymore, Sakura.

You once said, " Break a promise and you're a pig!"

I smiled sadly. It felt warm, that statement. Soon, it won't be anymore.

Soon, everything will be a useless shadow.

  
  
I looked up and drank from the cup. As I drank, I spoke to her, my love, my light.

When I drink from this cup, Sakura, I will love you no more. All the promises will be broken.

I will not watch over you. Will not look after your own interests. Will not grant you wishes, for you had none that I could grant.

But there is still one promise that I could keep, one that we've never made, nor ever would have, had you known this will come to pass.

That one promise I will hold close and dear to me.

You can love someone else, Sakura. Love Eriol. Love Yamazaki. I don't care.

I swallowed the wine.

You can marry someone. Have children. You can murder. You can cheat. You can become whatever person you want. You can forget about me.

Because...

I will not wait for you.

  
  
  
  
Owari 


End file.
